My 19th short story
I’ve now posted on my web site my 19th short story entitled “A Lucky Escape”.
It’s different from any of my other stories, so I’m interested to know if it works. Do let me know what you think.
I’ve now posted on my web site my 19th short story entitled “A Lucky Escape”.
It’s different from any of my other stories, so I’m interested to know if it works. Do let me know what you think.
February 18th, 2010 at 12:02 am
Well, I was enjoying me winning the lottery!
but seriously, it was really good. Looking forward to your first script.
February 18th, 2010 at 11:51 am
Well, I thought it was amazing! Very creative idea – I loved it… really loved it. Was thinking about it later…
Three things struck me and deflected my attention from the story.
One was the starting para was very sort of colloquial, that ‘damn car’, ‘late as usual, so what’s new?’… but that didn’t fit with the tone of language in the rest of the story which was much more complex. Also, it didn’t fit that someone who was so careful with language would be so sloppy as to be late!
The coagulating blood seemed a step too far away from the poetry for the piece and into a forensic report!
How could he push it back in?? I think at this point I was beginning to see this may not be real… I think that was your intent?
My final observation was that you really did paint a vivid picture – I would have looked away if it hadn’t been for the fact I’d have lost the story… I guess this is its raw power, it’s flinch-worthy stuff…
Well done – I think you’re finding a new calling here…
February 18th, 2010 at 12:04 pm
Thanks so much for reading this, Jen, and for the very helpful feedback.
Let me try and respond to your points and see if the story is still working.
1) The change of language from the colloquial to the more thoughtful comes with the accident. Initially the reader is supposed to think that the narrator is being more thoughtful because the lucky escape has made Dominic more contemplative. Later the reader is supposed to realise that the more complex language comes from the fact that Dominic is in a coma. As for the lateness, he was late because the car broke down and he couldn’t fix the problem or find another car; otherwise he would have been on time as usual.
2) The blood sequence is unreal. It’s meant to be because it is not actually happening but is a vision in his coma.
3) Of course, Dominic could not push his bone back into his leg. This too is a vision in his coma.
The idea of the story is that everything that happens after the accident is imaginary but the reader is only supposed to realise this gradually after what happens becomes ever more incredible and unlikely. But I may not have succeeded here. Perhaps I am trying to be too clever. Maybe my intentions are clearer on a second reading if you can find the time for that.
February 18th, 2010 at 4:13 pm
1) In that case I would take out small details like the ‘red’ bus, and keep the language a tad lighter… there is still some complex heavy language – I think making it lighter may make the contrast more obvious…. the ‘so what’s new?’ makes it seem as though he’s always late… would ‘typical, today of all days..’ work better? or something of that ilk
2) I get it!
3) Yea, was beginning to get it there!
I think it’s a great idea and it’s not too clever, it’s just very clever 🙂
February 18th, 2010 at 4:24 pm
Thanks so much , Jen.
I’ll make the changes you suggest – and I’ll think about whether I need some earlier signaling that all is not what it might seem …
February 19th, 2010 at 11:19 am
Well, I read it twice as I just did not connect with it the first time and was annoyed with it – when the last paragraph explained it was ‘a dream’.
It is clever, very clever. But maybe too clever for the likes of me who needs a ‘signpost’.
February 23rd, 2010 at 11:11 pm
How hopeful and sad all at once! Too bad that his dream while unconscious, is not really what happened.
I always find your stories interesting and am so glad you send them out!
February 26th, 2010 at 5:22 pm
Really enjoyed the story – intriguing; clever
February 28th, 2010 at 5:35 pm
It’s a good story, Roger!