TO KEEP YOU LAUGHING
Lessons from my mother and father
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me EXTRA SENSORY PERCEPTION.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about MY ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
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Some great puns
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
30. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
39. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
40. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
45. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
46. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
47. Are space travels journeys to a void?
48. Does love mean nothing to tennis players?49. Are librarians novel lovers?
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The traffic warden
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden's funeral, a voice from the inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth, and mutters "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork."
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Nuns and dogs
Two nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we are going to live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot Dogs, get your dogs here", so they both walk towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please!" says one.
The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers and she begins to blush. Then, after staring at it for a moment, she leans to the other nun and in a shaky voice whispers: "What part did you get?"
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Nag, nag, nag
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight', she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!?'
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A Jewish joke from a Jewish friend
A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test kit. The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the selfish bastard that did this to you? I demand to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house. A middle-aged and very distinguished man steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the lounge with the father and mother, and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
He continues, "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a chateau in France and a £1m bank account." "On the other hand, if a boy is born my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a £25m bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not sure what to do. What would you suggest?"
All silent at this point, then the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, "You'll try again."
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Finding Jesus
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus,"
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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Counselling
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but, on Fridays, I fish.'
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Actual announcements in church bulletins or at church services (in America, of course)
"The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."
"Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."
"The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water'. The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus'."'
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands."
"Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help."
"Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again', giving obvious pleasure to the congregation."
"For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs."
"Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get."
"Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days."
"A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow."
"At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice."
"Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."
"Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered."
"The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility."
"Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow."
"The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon."
"This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin."
"The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday."
"Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door."
"The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's 'Hamlet' in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."
"Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance."
"The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'"
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What the duck
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again, “with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. ."What on earth would they want with a plasterer??"
**********
The loving husband
Alan had two of the best tickets for the Rugby World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Rugby Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the rugby world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife Wendy was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head...
......"No. They're all at the funeral."
**********
The psychiatrist and the proctologist
Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable.
So they changed the sign again. "Catatonics and High Colonics". No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives". Thumbs down again..
Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts" - no way.
"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.
"Loons and Moons" - forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specialising in Odds and Ends". Everyone loved it.
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Seven reasons not to mess with children
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'. The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?' The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.' The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?' Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that, while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples..'
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The Catholic parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment... 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house... As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying... Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence... Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says: 'Put the beads away, Peter. Our prayers have been answered!
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The helicopter ride
Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. And every year Ken would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'. Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Ken and Edna went to the fair and Ken said,'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'. To this, Edna replied, 'Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again. But still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Ken replied,'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out. But you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
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Puns for educated minds
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Communists on holiday
Two communists are sitting on the porch of a nudist colony.
One says, "Have you read Marx?"
The other says, "Yes, I think it's these wicker chairs."
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Pigeons in love
A pgeon arranged to meet his ravishing new pigeon girlfriend at 3 pm in London's Trafalgar Square. The minutes ticked by and ticked by.
By 4.30 pm it was clear that she wasn't coming. Heartbroken, he was about to fly home when his girlfriend waddled up smiling radiantly, saying: "It's such a lovely day. I decided to walk."
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Signs In Foreign Lands
Those of you who may be planning summer travel, please remember that people in oher ountries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the world.
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge , Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES ....
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
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Two guys in a bar
Two guys are sitting in a bar, and the bar was on the eighth floor of a building.
The first guy says to the second guy, "I'll bet you I can gow, jump out, fall down to the ground, and fly right back up."
The second guy says, "There is no way you could do that, it's impossible."
First guy: "Well, let's go over there and I'll show you."
So they walk over to the window, the first guy jumps out the window, falls to the ground, and flies right back up."
Second Guy: "No Way! That was cool!"
First Guy: "Well, you could do it, too. Anyone can after a few beers."
Second Guy: "Oh man, there is no way I could do that!"
First Guy: "Sure you can! It's easy, just jump out and let yourself go!"
Convinced, the second guy jumps out the window, falls to the ground, and SPLAT! The first guy just walks back over to the bar chuckling.
The bartender says, "Superman, you can be a real jerk when you're drunk!"
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Corporations around the world
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime and steal someone else's cows and shoot the owner.
A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION
A farmer has two cows.
You take over his farm, eat both cows, and wait for the international community to supply more.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You pray to them for food.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left is kinda cute ...
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Why Jewish daughters need therapy
Jewish Mother: "Hello?"
Daughter: "Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?"
Jewish Mother: "You're going out?"
Daughter: "Yes."
Jewish Mother: "With whom?"
Daughter: "With a friend."
Jewish Mother: "I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man."
Daughter: "I didn't leave him. He left me! "
Jewish Mother: "You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies."
Daughter: "I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids? "
Jewish Mother: "I never left you to go out with anybody except your father."
Daughter: "There are lots of things that you did, and I don't."
Jewish Mother: "What are you hinting at? "
Daughter: "Nothing, I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight."
Jewish Mother: "You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?"
Daughter: "My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!"
Jewish Mother: "So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?"
Daughter: "He's not a loser."
Jewish Mother: "A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite."
Daughter: "I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not? "
Jewish Mother: "Poor children with such a mother."
Daughter: "Such a what?"
Jewish Mother: "With no stability. No wonder your husband left you."
Daughter: "ENOUGH!!! "
Jewish Mother "Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too! "
Daughter: "Now you're worried about the loser? "
Jewish Mother: "Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately."
Daughter: "Goodbye, mother."
Jewish Mother: "Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?
Daughter: "I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!"
Jewish Mother: "If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?"
**********
Vet joke
Chap goes to the vet with his budgie, which he fears is dead.
The vet says he can't be sure and needs further tests. In comes his dog, a labrador, who sniffs and licks the bird, then shakes his head. Next the vet brings in a cat, who looks at it, then slinks morosely away. "I'm afraid your budgie is definitely dead," says the vet. "That will be £1,010."
"What?" says the owner. "More than a grand to tell me my budgie is dead?"
"'Fraid so," says the vet. "Normally it would be a tenner, but then you had the lab report and the cat scan."
**********
All puns intended
**********
Polish divorce
A Polish plumber moved to England and married an English girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
"Have you any grounds?" "Yes, an acre and half and nice little home."
"No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It made of concrete."
"I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?" "No, we have carport, and not need one."
"I mean. What are your relations like?" "All my relations still in Poland."
"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player."
"Does your wife beat you up?" "No, I always up before her."
"Is your wife a nagger?" "No, she white."
"Why do you want this divorce?" "She going to kill me."
"What makes you think that?" "I got proof."
"What kind of proof?" "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at supermarket and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'"
**********
Childbirth joke
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a three-year old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed three-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack him again".
**********
Ever wonder ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
**********
Kids are quick (1)
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
**********
Kids are quick (2)
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
**********
Kids are quick (3)
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
**********
Kids are quick (4)
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
**********
Kids are quick (5)
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
**********
Kids are quick (6)
TEACHER: Glenn, why do you always get so dirty?
GLENN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
**********
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie.....always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right...'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
**********
Kids are quick (8)
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie,do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
**********
Kids are quick (9)
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
**********
Kids are quick (10)
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
**********
Kids are quick (11)
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
**********
Blonde joke (1)
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************ Blonde joke (2)
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?' He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************ Blonde joke (3)
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************ Blonde joke (4)
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************ Blonde joke (5)
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? 'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' 'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************ Blonde joke (6)
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************ Blonde joke (7)
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************ Blonde joke (8)
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************ Blonde joke (9)
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs!'
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************ Husbands and wives - we love each other really
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 am. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************ The meaning of true happiness (1)
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************ The meaning of true happiness (2)
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian were once discussing the meaning of true happiness.
The Englishman said, "True happiness, my friends, is rising early on a frosty autumn morning, getting on top of a good horse, and galloping off behind the hounds in pursuit of the fox. A hard ride over fields and fences and rivulets until the fox is brought down. A ride back with the ears and the tail and then sitting before a roaring fire with a glass of good port. Ah, that is true happiness."
The Frenchman said, "That is not true happiness. That is merely animal pleasure. True happiness is meeting with the love of your life, having an intimate meal in a topnotch restaurant with champagne, and then retiring to a wonderful hotel room, where you can make frantic and impassioned love all night long. Ah, that is true happiness."
The Russian said, "That is not true happiness. That is merely a good time. True happiness comes when you are sitting in your apartment after a hard day at the factory, your little Ivan on your knee, and reading your copy of 'Pravda'. There comes a knock at the door. Three men in ill-fitting brown suits come storming in and say, 'Stepan Stepanovich?' and you say, 'He lives in the room upstairs.' Ah, that is true happiness."
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************ Girls' night out
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives.
However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls had finished they proceeded home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her bum that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************ A cutting tale
Once upon a time the Emperor of Japan lost one of his most skilled samurai guards in a battle and went seeking for a new one. After much search he got down to three men, two of whom were native Japanese and one a Japanese Jew. He gathered them all so they could demonstrate their skill with the katana, and he asked the first one... "What can you do?
The samurai noticed a fly buzzing around, concentrated on the insect and with one quick stroke cut it in half! The Emperor was very impressed!
The second samurai stepped forward and noticed another fly. Like the first he concentrated but gave it two slashes instead of one hence cutting the fly into three parts! The Emperor was almost convinced that this was the man for the job but decided to give the Jew a chance.
Finally the Jew advanced and isolated a fly nearby ready to deliver it from life. He made one quick attack with the sword but strangely nothing happened and the fly remained intact! The Emperor asked him if he missed and the Jew responded that instead of killing the fly he had circumcised it.
The Jew got the job.
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************ The devoted wife
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
The devoted husband
An elderly American couple went on holiday to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker explained to the husband that "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150". The man thought about it and told him that he would just have his wife shipped home.
The undertaker was surprised. He asked the man: "Why would you spend $5,000 to have your wife shipped home when it would be wonderful for her to be buried here and you would spend only $150?" The husband repled: "Long ago, a man died here, was buried, and three days later he rose from the dead. I can't take that risk."
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Painting the church
A cheating painting contractor had been skimping by thinning his paint excessively. Nevertheless, he landed a big job painting a church. He was almost done when a major storm blew up. It washed all the paint off.
Amid the thunder and lightening, there came a loud voice. "REPAINT," it boomed. "REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!"
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
A man and his ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says,
"A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his
pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie
appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my
hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always
be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick who had long legs and a big ass and agrees with
everything I say."
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Male or female?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Don't mess with the snail
A man is watching television, when he hears a knock on the door. He goes to the door, opens it and sees a snail. He picks up the snail, throws it as far as he can, and slams the door.
Three years later, he hears a knock on the door. When he opens the door, the snail looks up and says: "What was all that about?"
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
BMWs go like the wind
A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with: "Good day, madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks: "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers: "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Homer and the blonde
Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Homer says," You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Homer replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money.
**************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
The ship and the parrot
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, and as fate would have it, with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days...and then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could hold back no longer and said......
**************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Sanity Test
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time. This little test should get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criteria which defines a patient to be institutionalized. "Well" said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the bathtub."
OK, here's your test.
1. Would you use the teaspoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand" said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or teacup."
"No" said the Director, "a normal person would pull out the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view?
**************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Goldfish joke
If I had two goldfish, Id call them One and Two and then, if Two died, Id still have One.
**************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Stranger in the store joke
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.
He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!"
Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE... during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's SCHOOL TEACHER!"
**************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Travelling joke (1)
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when
he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a
handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and
she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about
eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the
peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible
because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled, whereupon the old lady
answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
**************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Travelling joke (2)
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he
doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on
the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at
the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if
something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to
work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the
wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
" Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my licence," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the
cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the
radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo
going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "Well for one thing, he's got the Pope as a chauffeur."
**************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
The picture on the night stand
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then !!! ???" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
**************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Tommy Cooper joke
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure: you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it".
*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Human resources joke
One day while walking downtown, a Human Resources woman was hit by a bus and was tragically killed.
Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an HR manager make it this far and we're really not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in" said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in" the Saint replied.
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind..... I prefer to stay in Heaven".
"Sorry, we have our rules....."
And with that St. Peter put the HR manager in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell.
The doors opened and the HR manager found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow HR professionals that she had worked with.
They were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.
The HR manager was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven" he said.
So the HR manager spent the next 24 hours lounging around on the clouds and playing the harp and singing.
She had a great time and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity" he said.
The HR manager paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this. I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the HR manager went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks for the evening meal.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her and laughed at her.
"I don't understand," stammered the HR manager, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and grinned: "That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff".
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History - according to American children
The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in
Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio.
They were collected by two teachers over a period of three years.
Two-minute Management Course
Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit, and ate it.
Management Lesson - To be sitting doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating
some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night,
the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Management Lesson - Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you
there.
Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the
frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm
he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the
sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly
dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson -
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends your two-minute management course.
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Vet joke
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy".
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When you're in your coffin
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.
The Catholic priest: "I would like someone to say 'He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous'."
The Protestant minister: "I would like someone to say 'He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners'."
The rabbi: "I would want someone to say 'Look, he's moving'."
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You can find more jokes on my web site: here and here
"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"
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