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LOTS OF JOKES

TO MAKE YOU LAUGH


The perils of poor punctuation

A panda goes into a bar, orders a sandwich, fires a gun and heads for the door. A shaken barman asks why. 'Look it up,' says the panda, throwing him a badly punctuated wildlife manual. The barman turns to the relevant page: 'Panda: Bear-like mammal native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.'

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Courtroom howlers

These are from a book called "Disorder In The Court" and are things people said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere

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Marriage joke (1)

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and, after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not".

Marriage joke (2)

A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'" "Yeah?!" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

Marriage joke (3)

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "What are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion!"

Marriage joke (4)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

Marriage joke (5)

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

Marriage joke (6)

A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity, and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband." The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The 80-year-old husband replied, "Which days?" The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal. The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, she'll have to take the bus."

Marriage joke (7)

A man and woman are standing at the altar, about to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees that he has a set of golf clubs with him. "What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she whispers. "Well," he says, "this isn't going to take all afternoon, is it?"

Marriage joke (8)

"Why are married women heavier than single women?"

Because single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed while married women come home see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

Marriage joke (9)

I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream. There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was her best friend. She was smart, beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me uncomfortable.

One day her friend called me up. She asked me to come over to her place to help with completing the wedding invitation list. So I went. She was alone. When I arrived, she whispered to me that soon I was to be married to her best friend, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I married and committed my life to her friend, she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say? I was in total shock; I couldn't say a word. Then she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come up and join me.

I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house. My girlfriend was standing outside, with tears in her eyes. She hugged me and said, I am very happy; you have passed my little test. I couldn't have asked for a better man as a husband.

Lesson: Always keep your condoms in the car.

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The amazing Martinez

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Martinez. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded. Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, now we're in BIG trouble!" Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

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25 Phrases Of Wisdom

  1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
  2. Age is a high price for maturity.
  3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
  4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you have never tried before.
  6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government programme.
  10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  11. Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.
  12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
  13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
  14. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
  15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
  17. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  18. Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
  20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.
  22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
  23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
  25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

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The funniest joke in the world?

In October 2002, a British organisation called Laughlab announced the conclusion of a year-long international study to discover the funniest joke in the world. They found that the British, Irish, New Zealanders and Austalians prefer a play on words; that the French, Belgians and Danes have a taste for the surreal and Freudian; that Americans and Canadians enjoy jokes showing one group's superiority over another; and that Germans have the broadest sense of humour because they find almost anything funny.

The following joke was found to be the most popular world-wide:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods, when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead. What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead". There is silence; then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

The top British joke was as follows:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man replies: "You go right up there and tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold the monkey for you".

The favourite British word-play was as follows:

Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum". Doctor: "I've got some cream for that".

The top Franco-Belgian-Danish joke was as follows:

An alsation went into a telegram office, took a blank form, and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof". The clerk politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another woof for the same price". "But", the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all".

The top US-Canadian joke was as follows:

Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard graduate: "I come from a place where we don't end our sentences with prepositions". Texan: "Okay - so where are you from, jackass?"

The top Australian joke was as follows:

This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very worried. She says: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face. What's wrong with me, doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes and then calmly says: "Well I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight .."

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CIA Joke

The CIA had a special mission for a special agent. After an intensive program of selection, there was a shortlist of three top agents – two men and one woman. They were taken to a secret location for the final stage of the selection process.

In the reception room, they faced three locked and windowless rooms. The first agent – a man - was told: “We have to be sure that you will do whatever we tell you to do. Here’s a gun. In that first room, you will find your wife seated, blindfold and handcuffed. Kill her!” The man looked incredibly shocked and insisted: “There’s no way I could kill my wife”. He was told; “Then you’re not the man for this job. Leave here and never say anything about what you have seen”.

The second man was given the same instructions in relation to the second room. He entered the room and, for a long time, there was silence. Then he came out, his eyes streaming with tears. “I tried to do it”, he said, “but I just couldn’t”. “Then you haven’t got what it takes”, he was told. “Go immediately and forget you ever applied for this job”.

There was only the female agent left and she was told that her husband was in the last room. She went in as instructed. At first there was silence. Then there was a loud bang, then another, then yet another. Next there was loud shouting, fierce screaming and incredible banging. Finally the woman emerged from the room wiping the sweat from her face. “That damn gun was full of blanks”, she screamed. “I had to kill him with the chair”.

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Genie In A Lamp Joke (1)

One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking lamp. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. “For releasing me from the lamp, I will grant you three wishes,” said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. “But there’s a catch,” the Genie continued. “What catch?” asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, “For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for”.

“Hey, I can live with that! No problem!” replied the elated man. “Then what is your first wish?” asked the Genie. “Well, I’ve always wanted a Ferrari!” POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. “Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris,” said the Genie. “What is your next wish?” “I could really use a million dollars ... “ replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. “Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer,” the Genie reminded the man. “Well, that’s okay, as long as I’ve got MY million,” replied the man. “And what is your final wish?” asked the Genie. The man thought long and hard, and finally said, “Well, you know, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney ... .”

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Genie In A Lamp Joke (2)

A secretary, an administrator and a manager in a City firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.” “Me first! Me first!” says the secretary. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Poof! She’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the administrator. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.
“You’re next,” the Genie says to the manger . The manger says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

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History Of The World According To American Grade School Student Exam Papers

  1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
  2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingrediants. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
  3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
  4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a female moth.
  5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
  6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death his career sufferred a dramatic decline.
  7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for long.
  8. Julius Ceaser extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made King. Dying he gasped out: ‘Tee hee, Brutus’
  9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
  10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his sons head.
  11. Queen Elizabeth was the ‘Virgin Queen’. As a Queen she was a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted ‘hurrah’.
  12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of the blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100 foot clipper.
  13. The greates writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
  14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
  15. One of the causes of the revolutionary war was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colnists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, ‘A horse divided against itself cannot stand’ Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
  16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and half Italian and half English. He was very large.
  17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
  18. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
  19. Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madman Curie discovered raio. And Karl Marx became one of the Mark Brothers.
  20. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

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Signs In Foreign Lands

Those of you who may be planning summer travel, please remember that people in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists.Here is a list of signs seen around the world.

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THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE MOVIES

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TERMS TO ADD TO YOUR VOCABULARY IN THE EARLY 2000s OFFICE

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Driver Joke

It is the night before Christmas and everyone is racing home to finish the preparations for the festive season. A woman and a man are involved in a terrible car accident. It's a really bad one - both the cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

As they crawl out of their cars, the woman says: So, you're man. That's interesting - I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left of them, but fortunately we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies: "Oh yes, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God". The woman continues: "And, look at this - another miracle! My car is completedly destroyed, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune in surviving the crash and meeting one another".

Then she hands the bottle of wine to the man. He nods his head in agreement, opens the bottle, drinks half of it, and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks: "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies: "No, I think I'll just wait for the police ..."

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Cat Power

A magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit new scientific theories on ANY subject. Below is the winner:

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.

.........and then this mail got this reply from one of the recipients:

I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should here be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.

Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:
p = s * t(t)/tc
where
p is the probability of carpet impact,
s is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet.

Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero. tc and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour. So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet. Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research.

Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.

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Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn’t hash,
then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
‘cuz sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you’ll have to flash the memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

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Grammar Joke

Here are several very important but often forgotten rules of English:

  1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
  2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
  3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They’re old hat. )
  4. Employ the vernacular.
  5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
  6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
  7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
  8. Contractions aren’t necessary.
  9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
  10. One should never generalize.
  11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
  12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
  13. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
  14. Be more or less specific.
  15. Understatement is always best.
  16. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
  17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
  18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
  19. The passive voice is to be avoided.
  20. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
  21. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
  22. Who needs rhetorical questions?
  23. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

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Animal Jokes

A Russian scientist and a Czech scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and on west to Yellowstone Park.
They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance and finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men.
They followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident. They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said: “You know what this means, don’t you?” The other ranger responded: “Of course...The Czech is in the male.”

One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth. The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool.
One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool. First he came upon the lion. ”Lion, Lion!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?” ”No” replied the lion, “I have not seen your four point tool”. Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. ”Gorilla, Gorilla!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?” ”No” replied the gorilla, “I have not seen your four point tool”.
Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. ”Jaguar, Jaguar!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?” ”Yup!” replied the jaguar, “I’ve seen your four point tool”. ”Well where is it?” inquired the chimp. ”I ate it” said the jaguar, smugly. ”Why would you do that?” cried the chimp. ”Because” replied the big cat, “I’m a four point tool eater jaguar!”

A man was driving along the motorway when he saw two penguins standing in the hard shoulder. They looked lost, so he picked them up and put them in the back seat of his car. He then goes to the petrol station to fill up and whilst he is there the attendant notices the penguins in the back seat. He says to the man “What are those two penguins doing in the back of your car ?” The man says “I found them on the road and they looked lost so I picked them up” “You should take them to the zoo” replied the attendant. “What a good idea” said the man, and then paid for his petrol and drove off.
The next day he went to the same petrol station and the same attendant serves him and notices the penguins are still in the car. He says to the man “I thought I told you to take them to the zoo” The man replies “I did, they loved it, and now I’m going to take them to the movies!”

Two cows were standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy said to Dolly: “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” said Dolly
“It’s true, straight up, no bull!”

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” Br>So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s bloody heavy.”

Two owls are playing in the final of the Owl Pool Championship. It comes down to the last frame. One of the owls is just about to play his shot, when his wing accidentally touches a ball.
“That’s two hits” says the other owl.
“Two hits to who?” says the first.

Bugs Bunny was shopping at the supermarket and a sales assistant said to him: “If you can tell me what 19,866 times 10,543 is, we’ll give you free carrots for life”. Immediately, Bugs responded: “209,447,238”.
The sales assistant was astonished and asked: “How on earth did you do that?” Bugs replied: “If there’s one thing rabbits are good at, it’s multiplying".

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Answering Machine Messages

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Feminist Joke (1)

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewellery applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

No mention of this was included in the brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, Foreplay 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, Football 5.0 and Golf 2.4.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run NappyChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please?

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Feminist Joke (2)

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. “Lord, I have a problem!” “What’s the problem, Eve?” “Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.” “Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above. “Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.” “What’s a man, Lord?” “This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But... he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he’s aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great.” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What’s the catch, Lord?” “Well... you can have him on one condition.” “What’s that, Lord?” “As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it’s our little secret... You know, woman to woman.”

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Examination Answers

Apparently the following answers were offered by British students in the public examinations set for 15 year olds.

English

Define the word “monotony.”
Monotony is being married to the same person all your life.

Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

What does the word “benign” mean?
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

What is the correct use of a semi-colon?
Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon is a partial removal of the intestines.

Technology

What is a turbine?
Something an Arab wears on his head.

History

What is Britain’s highest award for valour in war?
Nelson’s column.

Religious Instruction

Who did not welcome the return of the prodigal son?
The fatted calf.

What is a Hindu?
It lays eggs.

Name some famous pilgrimages.
Muslims used to go to Gamages but now it’s closed. Christians still go on pilgrimage to Lord’s.

Geography

Name the four seasons.
Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

What is the equator?
A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

Name a greenhouse gas. What could be done to decrease global warming?
Cows make large amounts of methane when they fart. This could be reduced by fitting them with catalytic converters.

Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

How is dew formed?
The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

What is a planet?
A body of earth surrounded by sky.

What causes the tides in the oceans?
The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

What is a fossil?
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Biology

What happens to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
Premature death.

What is artificial insemination?
When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow.

How are the main parts of the body categorised? (E.g. abdomen.)
The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Briefly describe the skeleton and its function in the body.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch the meat onto.

What is the Fibula?
A small lie.

Where are the Tibia?
They live in a country in North Africa.

What does “varicose” mean?
Nearby.

What is the most common form of birth control?
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

What is the alimentary canal?
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

What is a coma?
A coma is a punctual mark a bit like a period or full stop.

What is a seizure?
A Roman emperor.

What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport.

Name the types of teeth in an adult human. How many are there of each?
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars and eight cuspidors.

Sociology

What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

In a democratic society, how important are elections?
Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

What is a social node?
A friend you have known for a very long time.

Medical

What is the first thing you would do to someone who has been immobilised in a road accident?
Rape them tight in a blanket and give them a sweet cup of tea.

What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
The kiss of death.

What should you do with someone you have found unconscious in the water?
1. Lay them on their backs and give them artificial insemination.
2. Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

How can you help someone who has fainted?
1. Rub the person’s chest or, if it’s a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
2. Put its head between the knees of the nearest doctor.

What are steroids?
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

What is a common treatment for a bad nosebleed?
1. Circumcision.
2. Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

How would you treat a head cold?
Use an agonised to spray the nose until it drops into your throat.

What should be done if someone has been bitten by a dog?
Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

What has to be established before giving a blood transfusion?
If the blood is affirmative or negative.

How should you remove dust from the eye?
Pull the eye down over the nose.

What is an enema?
Someone who is not your friend.

Psychology

What is a morbid state?
A stage in a take-over, when a bigger offer is made.

Botany

What can be coloured red, pink, orange or flamingo?
The rectum.

Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

What is rhubarb?
A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Describe how flowers are most commonly fertilised.
1. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
2. Germination is the process of becoming a German.
3. Fertilisation is the fussing of the male with the female garments.

Chemistry

What is a supersaturated solution?
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Physics

What is momentum?
What you give a body when they are going away.

What is a vacuum?
A large empty space where the pope lives.

What is a magnet?
Something you find crawling on a dead cat.

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Camping Joke

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Several hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend: “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a moment. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that tomorrow will be a beautiful day. What does it tell you?”
Holmes paused for a moment. “Watson, you dummy. Someone has stolen our tent.”

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Fancies Of Flight

Occasionally, airline attendants and pilots make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

  1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane...”

  2. Pilot: “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

  3. After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

  4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

  5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

  6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

  7. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

  8. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

  9. “As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

  10. “Last one off the plane must clean it.”

  11. From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!”

  12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced: ”Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

  13. Another Flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

  14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally,everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said: ”Sonny, mind if I as you a question?” “Why no, Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said: “Did we land or were we shot down?”

  15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

  16. Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways."

Finally, one from my personal experience... On arriving at London's Heathrow Airport, the pilot announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to report that we have arrived on time since, owing to a stroke of luck, we managed to find the airport at the first attempt."

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Colour Joke

A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is purple. He can't believe it. The sky is purple. He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn purple too. "Oh no!" he says. "I think I've been marooned!"

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Proverbs For The Information Age

1. Home is where you hang your @.

2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Oh, what a tangled website we have when first we practice.

9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. There’s no place like homepage

14. Don’t byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. Virtual reality is its own reward.

19. Modulation in all things.

20. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the Nintendo and he won’t bother you for weeks.

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Doctor Jokes


A guy goes into the doctor’s.
“Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my arse.”
“How’s that?”
“Don’t you start.”


“Doc, I can’t stop singing the green green grass of home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“It’s not unusual."

A man walks into a doctor's surgery, with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asked.
“You’re not eating properly”, replied the doctor.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

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Hotel Joke (1)

This is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room service at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the "Far East Economic Review":


Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees."
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye. Ruin sorbees. Morny! Jewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh, yes, I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den - fry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please."
RS: "Ow July dee baychem - crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine"
RS: "Hokay. An San toes?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San toes. July San toes?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! Toes! Why jew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No, just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter - just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"

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Hotel Joke (2)

Mary Poppins was travelling home but, due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. “Certainly madam”, he replied courteously. “Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary. “Sorry, no", came the reply, “but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?” Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. “Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please”, said Mary. “Certainly, madam”, he replied. “And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. “In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please”, Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk. “Morning madam...sleep well?” “Yes, thank you”, Mary replied. “Food to your liking?” “Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional. I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though....they really weren’t that nice at all”, replied Mary truthfully. “Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion”, said the receptionist. “OK, I will...thanks!” replied Mary....who checked out and then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written: “Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!”

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Stranger Joke

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It doesn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk. “Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?” “No, get lost! It’s half past three! I was in bed!” screams the man as he slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. She remarks, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?” “But the guy was drunk,” says the husband. “It doesn’t matter,” explains the wife. “He needs our help and it would be nice to help him.” So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can’t see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?” He hears a voice cry out, “Yes, please.” “Where are you?” shouts the homeowner. The stranger calls back, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

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Put-downs To Use At Work

"Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view".

"I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce".

"I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public".

"Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental".

"I will always cherish the intial misconceptions I had about you".

"Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial".

"It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy".

"i'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter".

"I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message".

"How about never? Is never good for you?"

"This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting".

"How do I get a laser printer to stun?"

"Are these your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage".

"Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done".

"Well, aren’t we just a ray of sunshine?"

"Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?"

"Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after".

"Do I look like a people person?"

"I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me".

"You! Off my planet!!"

"Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose".

"It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying".

"You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers".

"I’m already visualising the duct tape over your mouth".

"Are you coming on to me or having a seizure?"

"The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist".

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Movie Joke

Following the success of “Saving Private Ryan”, Steven Spielberg decides to make another serious-minded movie, this time on the lives of the great classical composers. However, he’s concerned that this is not obvious box office material and that therefore it would be commercially wise to cast some big name stars in the key roles. So he calls in for interview some of Hollywood’s star attractions.

First, he talks to the ‘muscles from Brussels’, Jean-Claude van Damme, and explains the concept. Van Damme takes some persuading, but eventually agrees to take part. He tells Spielberg: “OK, I’ll be Beethoven”.

Next, he interviews Sylvester Stallone. He tells him that he can’t be Rambo and Rocky for ever and needs to branch out into more sensitive roles. Reluctantly Stallone agrees. “Alright”, he tells the director, “ I’ll be Mozart”.

Finally, Spielberg meets Arnold Schwarzenegger. Big Arnie is the toughest to convince. Speaking roles are not normally his thing, but he recognises that, following his recent heart surgery, he has to consider new, less physically-demanding parts. At last, he drawls: ”OK, I’ll be Bach”.

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Pirate Joke

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg-leg, a hook and an eye patch. “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?” asks the sailor."I was swept overboard in a storm,” says the pirate. “A shark bit off me whole leg.” “Good heavens!” said the seaman. “What about the hook?” “We were boarding an enemy ship, fighting the other sailors with swords. One of them cut me hand clean off.” “Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “And the eyepatch?” “A seagull dropping fell in me eye,” replied the pirate. “You lost your eye to a seagull dropping? " the sailor asked incredulously. “Well,” said the pirate, “It was me first day with me hook.”

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Welcome To The Psychiatric Hotline!

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.

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Corporate Lessons

Lesson number one

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”

The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson number two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree - he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Lesson number three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, “I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”

The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”

The hands said, “We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don’t need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

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Nautical Joke

This is the transcript of the actual conversation of a US naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995 - radio conversation released by Chief of Naval Operations 10/10/95.


Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second biggest ship in the United States Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change YOUR course 15 degrees north. That's one five degrees north, or counter measures will be taken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

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Oneliners From The Operating Theatre

“Someone call the cleaner. We’re going to need a mop”.

“Bonzo! Come back with that! Bad dog!”

“Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what’s that?”

“Oh no, I just lost my watch”.

“Oops. Has anyone survived 500ml of this stuff before?”

“You know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of them”.

“Everybody stand back – I lost my contact lens”.

“Could you stop that thing from thumping? It’s throwing my concentration off”.

“That’s cool! Now, can you make his leg twitch?”

“I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses ..”

“This patient has already had some kids, right?”

“What do you mean, he wasn’t in for a sex change?”

“.. and now we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape”.

“Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy”.

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Breakfast Joke

Why did the man drown in a bowl of muesli?
He was pulled under by a strong currant...

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Meaty Joke (1)

There were three legionnaires walking through the desert under a baking sun. They were fully equipped with enough water for days, and food aplenty. On the shimmering horizon, mirages came and went and came again - visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens, stalls full of ice-cream, sorbets, freshly-whipped smoothies of every conceivable flavour. But no avail, the legionnaires did not crack, but kept marching solidly on.

Suddenly one of them froze, “Psssst” said he. His companions halted, and strained their eyes to where the first legionnaire was pointing. “Le voila”, said he, “Regardez, mes amis, isn’t that a bacon tree on the horizon?” And sure enough, there it stood, proud and defiant in the middle of the desert, a true bacon tree. Slowly they crept forward towards the mystery object afar off. Inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they were within a stone’s throw of the bacon tree. Even nearer they crept, and suddenly, a shot rang out, dropping one of the legionnaires in his tracks. The other two returned fire, and gave first aid to their wounded companion. Even as they bandaged him, and poured water over his face, they could hear his faint voice: “That was no bacon tree,” he gasped, “that was an ‘am bush”.

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Meaty Joke (2)

A bloke goes into a pub and, before he can order a drink he sees two bits of raw meat nailed above the bar. “What’s that all about?” he asks the barman. “Well,” says the barman, “if you can jump up and grab those bits of meat with both hands, then I’ll buy you a drink...” “...But if you can’t, you have to buy me a drink” So the bloke jumps up, grabs the meat, and the barman buys him a drink.

“You’re good at this,” he says, “but now I’m going to make it a bit harder” So the barman moves the bits of meat right up near the ceiling, and says “If you can jump up and grab the bits of meat again, with both hands, then everyone in the pub will buy you a drink...” “...But if you can’t, you have to buy everyone a drink” The man studies the two bits of meat, and thinks for a moment “No,” he says, “I can’t do that... the steaks are too high”.

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Linguistics Joke

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard “c” will be replaced with “k.” Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced by “f”. This will make words like ”fotograf” 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ”th” by ”z” and “W” by “V”.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining ”ou”, and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

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Computer Joke

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?” The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

  1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
  3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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Heaven Joke

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for an orientation session. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy responds: "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time and a great family man".

The second guy says: "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow".

The third guy thinks for a while and then replies: "I guess I'd like to hear them say 'Look - he's moving!'"

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Hell Joke

The following is an actual question given on Durham University chemistry exam, mid-term: Question 1A: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we can look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities. 1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms Therese Banyon during my Freshers year “That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you”, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then: 2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

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Comments From Personnel Files

“This employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig”.

“His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity”.

“When she opens her mouth, it is only to change feet”.

“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle”.

“This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts the better”.

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Star Wars Joke

Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker were starving after a hard training session with lightsabres and went for a Chinese meal. Luke was much less adept with his chopsticks than with the instruments of a Jedi knight and kept dropping his sweet and sour pork all over his clothes. Eventually Obi-Wan could take it no longer and felt compelled to offer his apprentice some relevant advice: "Use the forks, Luke. Use the forks".

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Bar Joke (1)

A man went into a bar. He was sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink, when he heard a voice which said: “You look great”. He looked around, but there was nobody near him. He heard the voice again: “Really, you look terrific”. The guy looked around again. Still nobody. Then he heard: “Is that a new shirt or something? Because you look simply fantastic.” Suddenly the man realised that the voice was coming from a bowl of nuts on the bar. “Hey”, the man called to the barman. “What’s with the nuts?” “Oh”, the bartender replied. “They’re complimentary”.

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Bar Joke (2)

The famous English cricketer Geoffrey Boycott was eating in a restaurant and there was a gorgeous woman sitting at the next table. Suddenly the woman sneezed violently and her glass eye came flying out of her socket towards him. With his superb cricketer’s reflexes, Boycott reached out and caught it. “Oh my God, I am so sorry” the woman said as she retrieved the eye and popped it back into place. “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.” After the meal, Boycott thanked her for the delicious food and a splendid evening. “Are you this kind to every man you meet?” he asked. “No” she replied. “You just happened to catch my eye”.

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