TO KEEP YOU LAUGHING
You can't beat a good pun
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Dyslexia lures, KO.
She used to kiss me on the lips, but it's all over now.
A little mouse joke
A mouse goes into a music store and asks for a mouse organ. The owner says "Funny, you're the second mouse today who's been in to ask for a mouse organ."
"Ah" said the mouse "that would be our Monica".
A New York Jewish joke
Ira Kaplan, hadn't returned to the old neighborhood since he went off to fight in Vietnam. During a business trip to New York, he visits his old neighborhood on Kotler Avenue in the Bronx.
Everything has changed over the years. Where once there was Edelstein's Delicatessen, there is now a McDonald's; where Fleischman's Dry Cleaning (One-Hour Martinizing) used to be, a Korean nail salon and spa now is; where Ginsberg's Department Store was, there is now a Gap.
Nothing is the same, except for the narrow storefront of Klonsky's Shoe Repair, which, dimly lit as ever, is still in business. As Kaplan passes the shop, he recalls (such are the quirks of memory that he does not know how) that, just before he was drafted to go off to Vietnam, he had left a pair of shoes with Mr. Klonsky that he never bothered to pick up. Could they, he wonders, possibly still be there?
A small bell tinkles as he enters the dark shop. Mr. Klonsky, who seemed old 40 years ago, shuffles out from the back. He is hunched over, wearing a leather apron, one eye all but closed.
"Excuse me, Mr. Klonsky," Kaplan says, "but I used to live in this neighborhood, and 40 years ago I left a pair of shoes with you for repair that I never picked up. Is there any chance you might still have them?"
Klonsky stares at him and, in his strong Eastern European accent, asks, "Vas dey black vingtips?"
"They were indeed," Kaplan only now recalls.
"And you vanted a halv sole, mit rubber heels?"
"Yes," says Kaplan. "That's exactly what I wanted."
"And you vanted taps on the heels only?"
"Yes, yes," says Kaplan. "Amazing! Do you still have them?"
Mr. Klonsky looks up at him, his good eye asquint, and says, "Dey'll be ready Vendsday."
Understanding English hospitality (or 1066 and all that)
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all that Guinness.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.
"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
Jokes can be very culturally specific and there are some jokes that play particularly well in certain countries but are not necessarily understood in other countries.
"Doctor, doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my button."
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and then examine him.
"Is it serious, doctor?"
"I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."
A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news".
"Oh dear, what's the bad news?"
"You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
The doctor replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
"Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards!"
"I'll deal with you later."
A woman rushes to her doctor, looking very worried, and says: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled, my skin all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes bloodshot and I had this corpse-like look on my face. What's wrong with me?"
Her doctor looks her over and says: "Well, I can tell you there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Why do Australians pee in the bushes at parties?
Because there's always someone chundering in the toilet.
Well, you see, there are basically three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can't.
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
What do you call a pretty woman in England?
A woman goes to a pharmacy, and buys some slimming products for 300 Euros. She asks the pharmacist: "How much do you think I will be losing with this?"
The pharmacist replies: "Well ... 300 euros."
"Nurse, where're we going?"
"To the morgue."
"But I haven't died yet!"
"Well, we haven't arrived yet."
A man says to his friend: "Rabinovich, I take off my hat to you! You and Sarah have been married for 30 years, but you always hold hands when I see you walking around the town."
His friend replies: "Well, if I lose my hold, she will surely buy something."
Apparently, when you're driving, if you hit a pedestrian it's your fault. I hit a magician - he came out of nowhere.
You know who really gives kids a bad name?
Posh and Becks.
What are the two shortest entries in the dictionary?
German humour and English food.
A guest arrives at a restaurant and decides to order his meal. The waiter arrives promptly to take his order.
The guest asks: "Do you have frog legs?"
The waiter answers: "No, that's just the way I walk!"
"Do you know the joke of 'no me neither'?"
"Mother! Mother! Give me some money for the poor old man that's shouting along the road!"
"What is he shouting?"
"Ice creams! Come get your ice creams!"
A guy phones the local hospital and yells: "You have got to send help! My wife's in labour!"
The nurse says: "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
And the man replies: "No! This is her husband!"
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of them stops mid-swing when he sees a long funeral procession on the road by the course. He takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I've ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please."
The man behind the counter asks: "Did you bring a container for this?"
The man replies: "You're speaking to it."
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
"Oh my God, breathe!"
In India, when you swipe 'yes' on Tinder you get engaged.
A girl asks an Argentine man for a light.
He pats his trousers, chest, and back pockets.
"Sorry," he says. "I don't have one, but wow, do I have a great body or what?"
I am single by choice.
A choice made by those reluctant to date me.
"Dad what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
"Hmm. You are my son, I am confident of that. Your friend Muema is also my son - that's confidential!"
The British Ambassador to China meets the young Emperor and his wife, and he says: "Your wife is very pretty!"
He replies "Na-li, na-li" (which means both "Not at all" and "Where?")
The ambassador replies "Erm... your wife, there!"
You can find more jokes on my web site: here and here